Day 51:

Day 51: 40

I turned 40 this year.  The new 20.  Fuck off.
Getting old sucks, I really don't mind being 40 but I do mind all of the things attached to being 40.
It comes down to the fact that everyone in the medical world wants to probe around in my ass.  Cancer is a motherfucker without question.  But why do we pick a magic age where suddenly its open season on your asshole.  Is it really a wonder guys have a crisis at this point where they buy a porche, grow a moustache and start hunting younger women?  Its because the only other people with this many fingers poked in their pooper are porn stars.

Get your tackle checked out.  Don't wait until 40, early screening is never a bad thing.  Eat better, smoke less, drink more and have a fucking riot until you drop dead having a good time.

Day 50:

Day 50: Monsoon rain

I actually love a good old killer rain storm complete with thunder and lightning but today I just got my license plate for my new motorcycle and the heavens decided to open up.

Fuck off, at least for today.

Day 49:

Day 49:  Telefundraisemarketprofiteers

I live in the USA, it would seem upon the moment of my arrival in to the USA that every fucking tele - marketer, fund raiser, vacuum cleaner sales, lawn care, pest control, health insurance, car wash, window cleaning, warranty extending company has been given all of my contact information.  I did the do not call thing, that probably stopped 400 million of the 3 billion calls i seem to get.  I may dress up as Jerry Lewis and pretend I am running my own telethon with all of the fucking phone ringing that happens here from dawn until dusk.

I give to charity, don't get me wrong, I will help a brother out, but nearly every one of these strangers that know me by my first name "Ramone Sanches" are working for independent for profit organizations, those are not tax deductible, and you are just giving money to an asshole, not to someone who needs it.

Go out, buy 10 cheeseburgers, hand them out to the hobos on the street corner.  Or dial 1-800-fuck-off and donate today.

Day 48:

Day 48: Printers.

Ink jet or laser, even a self whittled japanese wood block.  All manner of device that puts ink to paper can fuck off.

We buy a new all in one super awesome life giving printer at the local Best Buy or WalMart, bring it home where it sits in a box for 3 months before we get around to setting it up.  This is followed by an occasional use of probably 3 times a year.  Once for a large purchase, once or twice for taxes and that's it.  Somehow the act of the machine lying in its dormant state makes it turn in to a useless piece of shit.  I have a theory that all printers may actually be crime fighting transformers that battle evil while we sleep.  There is no other explanation that fits how the inert blob of moulded plastic bits can only reliably function for 46 seconds and then die.

Number of copies? Fuck Off
Please run the alignment/ head cleaning utility.  Fuck Off
Check cartridge levels. Fuck Off
Order supplies?  Fuck Off.

Save planet from Megatron's evil Saturn Ray at 4am ? Yes Please.

Day 47 Employer Trolling

Day 47: Employer Trolling    

     I stopped blogging to the list while I was looking for a job.  Potential employers stop short of inserting a finger in your ass when it comes to your personal online presence.  My linked in profile said I had a degree in smoking pot, hilarious to some, disturbing to many folks wanting to hire me.  Well I work for myself from the comfort of my home office now.  All of your recruiter/HR/Hiring people can fuck the fuck off.  Freedom of speech bitches.  Pretty universal in most free countries.

     Now employment agencies will tell you that you should clean up your stuff and only have things that you would allow your mom to see.  I'm a little more transparent, I'm sure my mom is appalled at some of the things I say and do, but I will no longer keep my sphincter clenched for the sake of the all important screening process where you go through explaining half of the flowery bullshit you have on your resume. I work hard, I'm smart, I have a lot of experience, I'm expensive.  If you really care about me telling the DMV to fuck off or that all celebrities need a pet midget then you can fuck off.

Day 46:

Day 46: Entertainment Tax

You pay it in Canada every time you go to the movies or any other entertianing type of thing.  Getting a handjob is generally entertaining.  Should we pay taxes on that as well?

Day 45:

Day 45: Office Vultures

The scavengers of the dead.  Someone gets fired and the Office Vulture swoops in to pick through the cool shit that was left behind before the employee can return to box up said cool shit.  The Office Vulture can be identified by their large hands and general drool stains on either side of the mouth.

Day 44:

Day 44: Silence

Got a problem? Say it out loud, hug it out, punch someone in the face.  Silence will eat you from the inside out.  Silence is fear and fear is a fucking asshole.

Day 43

Day 43:  Big Business Sports

Pro athletes are chewed up and spit out by a corporate machine that only cares about how many asses are in seats.

Now they are doctor sanctioned addicts :(  Always Big Business in Hockey, a lot of money to be made and a high turnover rate of the commodity. "They" churn these players in and churn these players out, seemingly at whim and with no regard for the players safety. It's akin to the "sex trade".  It's very wrong, very sad, very tragic and a very true story .

Lets get back to the game of 3 toothed drunks smacking the puck around and loving every minute of it.

Day 42

Day 42:

Fax Machines.

The machine we feed documents in to, then wait for it to dial and play some Tron sounding music shit until it finally completes and prints out a new piece of paper saying it was a success or failure.  Then we pick the phone up to call the person we just faxed to make sure their machine didn't print a mangled mess of toner and paper.

Day 41

Day 41:

Seedless Fruit

     This is a no brainer, oranges, grapes, watermelon, rock melon for my Aussie mates.  They are supposed to have seeds.  Seeds are what make new oranges, grapes, watermelon. Get over it, no one died from a swallowed apple seed, or choked to death on an orange seed.

Day 40

Day 40:

Free Sign-Ups

Just fill in you phone number, address, social security, size of the largest cock you've ever seen and you too can download some shitty screen saver or other equally worthless tripe.

Day 10:

Day 10: Hard Drives

They are the reason your laptop battery lasts long enough to make it through half a porn film.  They also contain your life and the slightest bump or galactic x-ray can turn them in to a paperweight.

Day 9:

Day 9: Hard Butter Packets

These things make me want to punch a baby.  Hard butter! great for turning fresh bread in to a torn mess of glutinous mush.

Day 8:

Day 8: Glue Sticks

Yes those little tubes of white snot that accomplish nothing but getting white snot all over everything and sticking fuck all together.

Day 7:

Day 7: Llamas

Llamas are the assholes of the animal kingdom.  They spit and bite and are not very tasty.  Fuck you Llamas.

Day 6:

Day 6: Zealots

Zealots are deaf and blind to the world around them.  They cause more grief than any other force of man.

Day 5:

Day 5: Hipstamatic Photos

This isn't 1977, shitty looking olden style photos are for you and your drunken friends to dress as cowboys and take sepia tone pictures, however those can fuck off too.

Day 4:

Day 4: Dubstep in Advertising

That shit is old.  Ahhh my fucking synthesizer is broken! Hey lets record it and have someone dance like they have tourettes.  Then sell them a new Hyundai.

Day 3:

Day 3: Reality TV

I don't need to see people take a shit on television or have their anus bleached.  I can go outside and shoot stuff.

Day 2:

Day 2: Tofu Meat Substitutes

Eat a piece of fucking meat. 

Day 1:

Day 1:  Black Grout

Sure it looks nice between the tiles but you end up looking like a racist freak in black face as the shit stains you skin for weeks.